When your child behaves aggressively or defiantly, especially if that aggression is directed towards you, it can be incredibly difficult to talk about. You may feel embarrassed, worried that others will judge you, or ashamed to admit that things feel out of control.

It may feel as though you’re constantly walking on eggshells, never quite knowing what might trigger the next outburst. You might feel isolated, exhausted, or unsure where to turn for support.

If this sounds familiar, please remember that you’re not alone. Many parents face similar challenges, and seeking help is a positive step. The sooner you reach out for support, the sooner you can access help for both your child and your family.

When your child behaves aggressively, it isn’t always easy to understand what’s causing it. They may be feeling frustrated about something happening in their life, struggling with issues at school, bullying or finding it hard to cope with changes in their body or hormones.

Whatever the cause, you may recognise that your child is struggling to manage their anger and emotions but unsure how to help. Most parents would feel overwhelmed in similar circumstances.

Alongside the reasons above, there may be other things affecting your child:

• Changes at home – Issues such as separation, a new baby, bereavement, moving house or changes to routines. Your child may struggle to put these feelings into words and show them through their behaviour instead.
• Difficulty communicating feelings – Younger children, in particular, may not yet have the language they need to explain what’s upsetting them.
• Tiredness, hunger or overstimulation – Poor sleep missed meals and too much screen time can make it harder for your child to regulate their emotions.
• Anxiety or worry – Children who feel anxious don’t always appear worried. Sometimes anxiety can come across as anger or aggression.
• Neurodivergence – If your child has ADHD, autism, sensory processing difficulties or another neurodivergent condition, it can make it more difficult for your child to manage big emotions and regulate.
• Learned behaviour – Children learn by watching the people around them, including how others respond to frustration, anger and conflict.

Remember, challenging behaviour is often your child’s way expressing their unmet needs. They may be struggling with feelings or situations they don’t know how to manage.

Aggression from a child towards a parent is more common than many people realise. If your child is hurting you, other family members or damaging property, it is important to take it seriously. When your child is in the middle of an outburst, they are not able to reason or listen. The aim at this point is to keep everyone safe and allow things to calm down.

• Stay calm if you can. Take a breath, lower your voice, and slow down your movements. Children often take cues from the adults around them, so a calm approach can help prevent the situation from escalating. Avoid shouting back or responding with aggression, as this can make things worse.
• Protect yourself and others. If your child is hitting, kicking or throwing things, move yourself and others out of the way and take away anything that could cause harm. Do not retaliate physically.
• Keep your language short and simple. Avoid lecturing, arguing or making threats. A phrase such as “I can see you’re really angry. I’m here when you’re ready” is enough.
• Give space. Some children need to be alone for a few minutes, while others need you close by. You will learn which works for your child.
• Remove triggers or people from the situation where possible, including siblings who may be at risk. It is important for everyone to be safe.
• Don’t give in to demands during an outburst, as this can teach your child that aggression works. Hold the boundary calmly and clearly. Make it clear that violence and aggression are never acceptable, while reassuring your child that you will help them find better ways to express difficult feelings.
• Try not to take the behaviour personally. Challenging behaviour is often a sign that your child is struggling with feelings or situations they do not know how to manage.
• Separate your child from the behaviour. You can love your child while being clear that their behaviour is not acceptable.
• If you feel threatened or unsafe, seek immediate help. In an emergency, call 999.

• Once your child has calmed down, they might feel exhausted, but once they feel able to, try to talk to them about what happened.
• Start by reconnecting with your child. A hug or a few kind words can reassure them that you still love them.
• Talk about it using simple language, “What was going on for you?” or “What made you feel so cross?” and allow them time to respond to you without interrupting.
• Help your child to name the feeling (angry, jealous, disappointed, scared) so they can learn to recognise it next time.
• Be clear that feeling angry is fine, but hurting people or damaging things is not. Talk about what they could do differently and agree any consequences calmly and fairly.
• Where appropriate, encourage your child to make amends, for example by saying sorry or helping to tidy up.

Keep to routines. Predictable mealtimes, bedtimes and daily rhythms help children feel secure. Give warnings before changes, such as “Five more minutes, then we’re turning the tablet off”.

Notice patterns. Keeping a simple diary of what happened before, during and after each outburst can reveal triggers such as certain times of day, places or activities.

Teach calming strategies when your child is calm. These might include deep breathing, counting to ten, squeezing a cushion, drawing, listening to music or having a quiet space to go to.

Set clear, consistent boundaries. Agree a small number of household rules, explain them simply and apply them consistently.

Praise the behaviour you want to see. Notice and describe the good things, such as “You were really patient when you waited for your turn”. Children who get plenty of positive attention are less likely to seek it through negative behaviour.

Spend one-to-one time each day. Even ten minutes of undivided attention doing something your child enjoys can make a big difference.

Look after the basics. Make sure your child gets enough sleep, healthy meals, physical activity and time outdoors.

Be a role model. Show your child how you manage frustration, for example by saying “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a few minutes to calm down”.

Keep a diary of incidents. Keep a record of incidents and add in any potential triggers, what happened during an outburst, how long it lasted, etc. This can help if you seek support from the GP, school or other professional support.   Talk to the school, your GP or a support service about what is happening at home, as soon as you can.

Dealing with challenging behaviour is exhausting, and it is hard to be patient when you are worn out. Looking after your own wellbeing is not selfish, and it helps your child too.

• Talk to someone you trust, such as a partner, friend, relative or other parents.
• Take regular breaks, even short ones, where you can.
• Remember that no parent gets it right every time. Being “good enough” is good enough.
• Be kind to yourself. Struggling with this does not make you a bad parent.

Reach out for support if you are experiencing or seeing the following:

• If the behaviour is happening frequently, is getting worse or is lasting for a long time.
• If your child is hurting themselves, their siblings or others around them
• If this is having an impact on their schooling, friendships or family life
• If you are worried that something such as bullying, anxiety, trauma or additional needs may be behind it

You can speak to your child’s school, GP, School Nurse or Health Visitor for possible referrals. You can reach out to us and our experienced support team can provide you with the help and support you need.

PEGS  provides support to parents who are experiencing aggression from their child.

Young Minds can give your teen emotional support if they are struggling with their feelings.

Encourage your child to speak to Childline if they are finding it difficult to manage their feelings or emotions.

Watch our video on dealing with difficult behaviour from your child or teen

This article was reviewed by Rosemary Spillman, Head of National Services. Last reviewed 11 October 2026.