Neurodivergent children can struggle if they are feeling overloaded with instructions and demands such as homework, mealtimes, getting dressed, etc. They may show resistance or anxious feelings when asked to do these things and this can have an impact on the parent or carer. The child is not being difficult or defiant, it is an automatic reaction to feeling overwhelmed and out of control. The demand avoidance can be intense and regular. It is often a sign that they are struggling to manage their stress and sensory levels and may need patience and understanding so they feel safe and supported.

Some neurodivergent children may show what’s known as a PDA profile especially within individuals who have autism. Children, teens and young adults who have PDA can find it difficult to manage everyday demands and expectations even with the things they really enjoy.

Sometimes, a child may avoid things they want to do, because as soon as it becomes something they have to do, it can feel overwhelming. This can cause distress and lead to shutdowns or meltdowns. For example, they might really want to go to the park, but if a parent says, ‘Come on, let’s get ready to go,’ that expectation can suddenly feel too much and trigger anxiety. This can cause distress and lead to a shutdown or meltdowns.

This behaviour is rooted in high levels of anxiety and a strong need to feel in control. PDA is not simply about avoiding demands, it’s a complex experience that requires understanding, compassion and support.

The first step in low-demand parenting is developing an awareness of the numerous demands your child may be facing every day. By stepping into their shoes and viewing the world from their perspective, you can begin to see the different challenges they encounter.

A helpful way to look at this through their lens is by identifying the demands they experience throughout their daily routine. Grab a pen and a piece of paper, walk through your child’s day and write down every demand that is placed on them. This could start from waking up, brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc. You may be surprised how many demands there are in a day. This task can reveal just how overwhelming life can be for your child and help you tune into their world.

If your child finds getting dressed in the morning difficult, try offering choices instead of giving direct instructions. For example, rather than saying, ‘Can you hurry up and get dressed? We’re going to be late,’ you could say, ‘Would you like the blue socks or the black socks today?’ and leave the clothes on their bed for them to choose. This gives your child a sense of control and encourages them to get dressed without feeling pressured. Being nearby and available to help if needed, without giving repeated reminders, can also be supportive.

For some neurodivergent children, mornings and school transitions can feel overwhelming. Offering small choices can help to reduce the anxious feelings or overwhelm. For example, instead of saying, ‘You have to go to school today, no excuses,’ you could ask, ‘Would you like to walk in with your headphones on, or bring something comforting in your bag?’ Validating your child’s feelings, such as saying, ‘I know school feels hard today, and I’m here to help you through it,’ can also help them feel supported without adding pressure.

If your child is having issues with going to school, contact their teacher to talk this through. Asking for support can be helpful as you may be able to work together to make things as easier as possible for your child or young person. Your child may be masking throughout the day and could feel overstimulated by the time they get home from school. Encourage them to have some downtime in a safe, calm space where they can decompress and self-regulate before transitioning to homework or mealtime.

Completing homework can feel very overwhelming for neurodivergent children and young people. It may help to give your child some choices to help minimise any stress they are feeling. For instance, instead of saying, ‘Sit down and do your homework.’ you could ask ‘Where would you feel more comfortable doing your homework?’ Then provide a quiet space and stay nearby to offer support if needed. If homework does become a battle, speak to the school and let them know of any struggles as they may be able to only allocate core homework or perhaps do some of this within school hours rather than send it home.

Bedtimes can be one of the most challenging transitions of the day for neurodivergent children as they can feel overstimulated or simply exhausted. After a long day, your child may be running on empty. Keeping your tone gentle and calm can help to ease this transition. Avoid rushing them or adding last-minute tasks as this can be overwhelming for your child.

Create a routine that is predictable and use visual aids to help your child with bedtimes. If you can, prepare the bedroom by using soft lighting or nightlights. Offer calming sensory tools like a weighted blanket or a fidget toy. You could play some gentle music or white noise too. They may need alone time to disconnect from one transition before connecting with another.

Creating a routine that is predictable, low demand with visual aids and with choices can help ease the bedtime transition. Instead of saying, ‘It’s bedtime now, go brush your teeth and get into bed,’ try offering choices to give your child some control without overwhelming them with too many decisions by saying ‘Would you like to brush your teeth first or choose your pyjamas?’ or ‘Do you want one story or two tonight?’

Visual schedules for bedtime can be helpful for your child by letting them see what is coming next. You can include brushing teeth, choosing a calm activity, putting on pj’s, choosing a story and saying goodnight. You could even laminate the chart and encourage your child to tick off each step every bedtime. Try to stick to a predictable routine but do allow for some flexibility dependent on your child’s needs during that day.

If you do have other children, it is important to explain what low demand parenting is and why you are using this method as this can help the other children understand the approach and minimises feelings of not being treated the same. Spend some time talking to your other children about this using simple and age-appropriate language. Asking them for their views and thoughts can help them understand the differences and feel included.

Encourage your children to have some time and space to explore their own interests and social scene. Try to carve out some time for you and the other children where you can have some quality time doing what they enjoy. They may want to get involved and have some great ideas to help with the low demand approach. If they are struggling with their thoughts and feelings, encourage them to talk through their worries and concerns with you. Let them know that even though a lot of your time may be taken up with their sibling, you are there to support them too in any way you can.

What can help:

• Give choices: Let your child pick between two options to help them feel more in control.
• Make tasks bite-sized: Break things down into small manageable easy steps
• Be flexible: Being flexible is important and things can change at a moment’s notice
• Add fun: Use humour or games to make things more enjoyable.
• Connect first: When your child feels safe and close to you, they’re more likely to listen.
• Celebrate small wins: Praise even little efforts as it boosts confidence and motivation.

What to avoid:

• Too many instructions at once: Keep it simple and express one thing at a time.
• Consequences: Facing consequences for something they cannot help can make neurodivergent children feel even more anxious.
• Making assumptions: Their resistance to instructions or demands may be a sign that they are stressed or overwhelmed.
• Comparing to siblings: Every child is different, making comparisons can feel hurtful.

Read the PDA What Helps Guides on the PDA Society UK website.

Find out more about demand avoidance from the National Autistic Society

This article was reviewed by Sandra Hiller, Head of New Business